Friday, 14 February 2014

TuneDr's Valentine Disasters!!

Over sized fluffy toy? Check. Tacky padded Valentines card? Check. Silk Y-fronts? Check. Two cans of Strongbow Cider? Check. Yep it's Valentines day and us romantics can't always get it right!! Here are some of our Valentines you have any?

Har Mar Superstar...patron saint of love!
Prince - 'If I Was Your Girlfriend' (1987)

It's 1987, I'm 13 years old, it's Valentines night and it's all happening down at the roller disco. I fancy this girl, she's new in town and rumour has it she fancies me. She's supposedly 'experienced' too, so as not to look like an arse I ask one of the older 'cool' kids about kissing, do you really have to use tongues or is it optional? Prince had just released the incredible Sign 'O' the Times, the DJ plays the album, 'If I Was Your Girlfriend' blares through the speakers and we do circuits together hand in hand. She asks me to skate her's on!

We kiss...on the lips, no nonsense but she deviates, she moves over to my cheek, then my neck, then my ear where to my horror she sticks her tongue in! "Euughh!" I squeal, "what are you doing?"
She exhales in disgust and pushes me away and walks indoors. "Wait, I did something wrong?" I think to myself.

I never see her again. My friend tells me she tried a 'Wet Willy' on me and apparently it's all the rage with the 'cool' kids! Story of my life.

Old Pa's Corner :-

Hank Williams - Your Cheatin' Heart

I thought I would play an little trick on Old Ma. I bought a nice soppy Valentines card and put some romantic words and finishing with 'can't wait to see you again??? I had a mate from work who lived near Gatwick to post it. We lived next to Heathrow, so the post code would not be local. Well if you do a job you gotta do it right. Old Grand Pa told me that! I was hoping she would be embarrassed and squirm, or even try and hide it. I could not wait for her reaction. How well she must know me, she said it was me right away.

"I knew it was you, because it is just the kind of stupid tricks you would play!"

It really blew Valentines day. All the old scores were brought out of the closet! Looking back, I wish I did not buy those bloody chocolates and flowers, I could have bought a CD for myself. Another lesson learned!

London Scouser:-
Belle And Sebastian - 'Don't Leave The Light On Baby' (2000)

I had a Valentine's Day a few years back that I'll never forget but for all the wrong reasons. I'd finished a shift at work and was driving home about 1 o'clock in the afternoon on the M25 and the traffic was gridlocked. Luckily for me (or so I thought at the time) I was coming off to join the M3 and my lane was driving normally. I saw a car ahead of me sticking his nose out to come into my lane but I went past him. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw he had come out behind me and when I looked forward I saw that the van in front of me had slammed his brakes on for some reason. I did the same and came to a stop just behind him, the car behind me also came to a stop... unfortunately not from using his brakes, but using my car instead. The impact forced my car into the back of the van and I had been in my first accident, less than 6 months after passing my test. I remember the sound and the shock but mostly I remember my car stereo coming out of its fittings a bit like a spring loaded toaster !!! I'd been listening to 'Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant' at the time, I can't remember which track at the time but I chose this one because it seems an apt title. My poor wife, Shellhunter, had specially prepared and indoor picnic for us to celebrate this most joyous and romantic of card shop celebrations. I eventually got home about 7 o'clock. We had the picnic, but the occasion was a little bit like my airbag....deflated.

As a bonus, I've added a sneaky cover by B & S of an 80's favourite. They've slowed it down compared to 'The Primitives' original, but I kinda like their take on it

Shell Hunter:-
Pamela Starks and Ali Campbell - 'That Look In Your Eyes' (1995)

In secondary school, Valentine's Day was always exciting. The 6th formers used to sell  'Cupids' which were basically delivering love letters, presents and messages to all the students who had them bought by their secret admirers but during class time, in front of everyone. One year a friend of mine who was not one of the most popular of guys received his first ever one. The two 6th formers dressed in pink with cardboard bows and arrows said "Is John here? We have a love note from Sally for him." He went white with shock and a hush fell over the class. Who on earth was Sally and why would anyone want to send John a valentine could be heard murmured. He was beaming like a Cheshire cat! They went over and put the envelope in his hand. We all huddled around eagerly waiting to see what it was. He opened the envelope and out fell a very large sanitary towel. The whole class erupted when it said 'My name is Sally the sanitary towel and I love you John' written on it. A girlfriend of mine had played an evil prank on him which I doubt he has ever lived down. I'll never forget the look on his face.

Related Posts

TuneDr's Valentine Disasters!!
4/ 5


14 February 2014 at 11:07

Wet Willies, Sani Towels, an irate Old Ma and a deflated airbag, brlliant posts guys.
Reminds me of a guy who went to a bad taste party as a used Sani Towel...of course I thought it was brilliant but strangely, most people, especially girls thought it just was not right and in too bad taste!!!!.

14 February 2014 at 13:32

Brilliant tales, all of them, thanks for the entertainment!

My relationship with Mr SDS started from a Valentines - we knew each other but not 'in that way' - then he sent me an anonymous card for Valentines Day. He'd bought one and embellished it (carefully and creatively making the cartoon character on the front into a punk with added safety pins, studs, hair etc.) The only thing is, I got TWO, exactly the same. Exactly the same embellishments. Weird, I thought, but tbh I was so chuffed I didn't care! I guessed it was him and then later he explained how come I got two - he'd forgotten to post the first one that morning having left it on his bed, had gone to work and realised and frantically bought another and drawn over it exactly the same and posted it. But when he got home his mum said to him, "I saw that card on your bed so I posted it as I realised it must be for Valentines..." His poor mum, having thought she'd done something so kind and saved the day for him, expected him to be grateful and relieved - instead she got an ear-bashing! No good deed goes unpunished!
But... it set things in motion for us... and we're still together :-)

14 February 2014 at 13:56

C - another great valentines story...I hope we heare some more...but we have to started with a valentines card and you are still together...cupids arrow did the trick.
Old Ma and me celebrate our 40th this year and 42 years together...Am I getting old or somthing.

15 February 2014 at 13:04

I've sent a few Valentines in my time, but, to date, have never received any. At 53, It's probably a bit late now! Some excellent tales (including yours C) and tunes here though.

15 February 2014 at 20:35

All these stories had me laughing out loud, great post with some equally good songs and comments! Serious cringe time!

24 February 2014 at 16:55

Old pa, I love the idea! But you should have known better than to think you'll be able to fool Old Ma. It would have been better if she played your bluff and said yes, there's this man.

LS,...perfect song for your predicament, great track I've never heard it before...great strings. Indoor picnic? Eugh...get a room.

SH, that's so bad! Poor guy, that'll stick with him for the rest of his life. Hate to admit it but I loved this track, bought the CD single and everyting.